DANCING IN THE SLEET AND RAIN

I got an email the other night from a gal I'm sweet on.  We've only been out a couple of times, but I think she's just the cat's pajamas.  Anyway, we had been on a date that didn't go too well, because we were both so nervous.  And then she sent this kind note that gave me hope that we could keep getting to know each other and eventually learn how to relax together.

When I got this note it was about thirty-five degrees outside and drizzling rain with some sleet mixed in.  I was so excited, though, that I couldn't contain myself; I couldn't stay inside.  I had to get out and celebrate.  About a mile from my house there's a chapel that's open all the time so I decided to walk there and share the good news with God.  As I walked, I raised my face to drink in the cold night air and the rain and sleet--the beauty and wonder and glory of it was so potent that I just felt I would burst.  I was doing little dance steps and leaps and such,  praying and praising and raising my hands up to the heavens in glee for having the light of such a wonderful woman shining into my life.

As I did my celebratory sashay toward the chapel, my body heat evaporated the water as fast it landed, so that I was kept not only warm but dry.  It was like magic.  And I started to wonder about all of this exhilaration I was feeling.  I wondered if it was really right to find so much joy and so much hope on the basis of just a little interest and a little kindness coming from someone I hardly know.  For a moment I worried that this might be a sort of delusion.  Perhaps I was greatly exaggerating the significance of her interest in me.  Or, what if she really was interested, and the exhilaration I was feeling continued to grow?  Then, what would happen if she changed her mind and stopped seeing me and sending those nice notes?  Maybe I was setting myself up for deep disappointment that could even lead to some serious depression if I wasn't careful.

But, deep in my heart, I knew that what I felt was good.  I knew it was from God.  He made me capable of caring this much and being this excited about another one of his creatures.  I realized that I simply needed to complete my joy by bringing it to him. 

Rather than deny how wonderful this woman really is, I simply needed to recognize that God is the one who made her so wonderful.  Rather than repress my longing to see her smile and hear her voice, I simply needed to complete my longing by longing for the one who made her so beautiful.  If I allow my desire for the creature to lift me up to heaven and help me to desire her creator, then I know I will never be disappointed.

The God who made the cold night rain so piercingly pure and keeps me cozy in the midst of it is the same God who made the thick, black, lock of hair that curls around her cheek and gently bobs there right next to the edge of the smile that melts me.  He wants me to delight in his creation, but he doesn't want me to stop there.  He wants me to delight and then delight even more in the creator of all creation; he wants me to dance with joy here in this world and keep on dancing all the way to paradise. 

I got to the Chapel, got down on my knees, and asked God to take advantage of this time in my life, with this renewed vitality and optimism, to bring about a powerful conversion in my heart.  I asked him to make me the kind of man he would want my new friend to be getting closer to.  I asked him to give me the virtues, the strength and honor and tenderness that would make her guardian angel dance with glee should she marry me someday.  And I asked him for these things without asking him for her.

Because I don't know if God wants me to marry her.  I do think God wants me to get to know her better, and to begin by being a brother to her.  And I know that God wants to bring great good from my desire for her. I know that he wants to teach me about his desire for me and for her and for all of his children.  And I know he wants me to dance in the cold night rain and the sleet and to praise him as I do.

And so I am encouraged.  I am not afraid to take this chance with my heart.  I am not afraid to try to love this woman, to give something of myself to her.  I know that the God who made me long to give this way is going to give to me in return.  And I know that he will give me the grace never to use her, but only to give to her the things he desires for his precious and beloved daughter.

There is so much of love that remains hidden behind a veil of mystery.  Each day I discover more how much remains unknown and unknowable.  But this I do know; this I pray, and will go on praying:  "God of Desire, my desire is for you."