DECIDING WHOM TO DATE.

(Some Princesses Could Use a Good Frog Detector)

The other evening a gal told me, "Dave, I've been going out with a lot of frogs."  It seems that what's really going on is that she is too determined to get married.  She feels like she's tried it God's way, by dating good Christian men, and that hasn't worked.  Now she feels like she needs to take matters into her own hands, and by-golly find herself a husband.  The guy may well not even be a Christian at all, he may have frog written all over him.  But she thinks her kiss will turn him into a prince.

Christians often call this missionary dating.  It's awfully hard to talk folks out of it, once they're committed to it.  In my opinion, missionary dating is not about bringing people to God--it's about being too selfish and stubborn to wait for God to bring the right person along.  It's about not trusting that God will bring the right person along.  It's about the fear that if I do this God's way, I might never find a mate.

Well, that's true.  None of us can know for sure that God will provide us with a mate.  And until we're okay with that, we're not eligible to be mates ourselves.  If we're in bondage to the desire to marry, we can't make a valid marriage.  We have to be free from bondage to anything at all, including the desire to find a mate, in order to have any chance of finding the right mate. 

Now, if we realize that we have to put God's desires first in order to be eligible mates, then we ought to realize that the person we're looking for as a mate has to do the same thing--to put God first.

We settle for someone who just seems like a "nice person" at our own peril.  If we want to have the best chance of success, we must find a nice person who is committed first and foremost to God. 

THE FROG DETECTOR

How can we tell if they're committed to God?  Asking is a good way.  Ask people what is most important to them.  Most people who are not committed to God will not claim that God is most important.  Pray for them, befriend them, invite them to church, but don't date them.

PEERS

Next, we look to see what kind of relationships they have with others.  In other words, we look for those strong brother and sister relationships we talked about in the last step.

This is critical.  If either of these is missing, healthy relationships with either men or women, as brothers or sisters, then we know something is really not right.  Gals, be sure to check and see how his friends seem to treat women.  If his friends use women, then he will most likely try to use you.  If his friends are true gentlemen, he probably is too.

Guys, if all of her friends are men, run screaming into the night!  This is a more common problem for women than men, as women attract men more easily.  Having all men "friends" is a sign that woman does not know how to be a true sister in Christ to other women, and probably not to men either. 

Also, it's a good idea to find out what you can about the other people this person has dated in the last couple of years.  If they seem like folks who are used to be being used, or to using others, that is a sign of serious trouble.

PURITY

Which brings us to our next topic, which is purity.  Purity, as we said earlier, simply means conforming our sexuality to the will of the one who created us as sexual creatures.  Purity is the only way to honest love.  It is the only way to the love that gives.

If you're looking for sex outside of the absolute and irrevocable mutual self-giving which is marriage, then you're reading the wrong essay.

Well, if you're still reading, then you must be at least open to the possibility of purity in dating and courtship. 

Other than prayer, nothing plays a bigger role in making purity possible than choosing the right person to date.

I highly recommend that at least one of the two people in the relationship should have a track record of purity.  We're not talking about a perfect record, but a track record.  We're talking about having experience at having relationships that are based upon purity.

There is an enormous difference between deciding to change and live a pure life, and actually knowing how to do it.  It's the difference between deciding to hike the Appalachian Trail, and having hiked the trail. 

Impurity is not the consequence of a sudden moment of weakness in the midst of passion.  Impurity is the fruit of a thousand small thoughts and deeds, all of which are interwoven and powerfully reinforced by habit.  It is very, very difficult to be pure when habituated to impurity. 

Likewise, being habituated to purity is very much the same sort of thing.  Purity is not a set of rules, or even a commitment of the will, though it does include these things.  Purity is an immersion of the heart in God's spirit of love.  Purity flows forth from thousands of small thoughts and deeds, all of which radiate the life-giving promise of our resurrected Lord.

I've been through way too much struggle in my own life trying to forge a pure relationship wherein neither party had pure habits.  At times we both had good motives, but those good motives were mixed with bad habits, which led in the end to mixed motives, which led to impurity, and pain, lots of pain, pain that you don't want to go through.

In most cases (in almost every case) it's probably a better idea to stick to relationships where at least person already has a good foundation of purity.  It's tough enough to turn one stony heart into flesh.  Transforming two hearts at once is a treacherous challenge.

It should go without saying that relationships wherein both people have a strong foundation of purity have the best chance of success.

CHARITY

Let's look at one more criterion to use in choosing whom to date.  There is a virtue which has always been understood by Christians to be inseparably bound the virtue of purity.  That virtue is charity.  Charity and purity are really two sides of the same coin --especially once one comes to understand that the whole purpose of purity is learning how to make a gift of our sexuality to God and to another, in a way that precludes the possibility of using.

By charity we mean particularly an ability to care for the least ones, the overlooked ones, among us.  It is not enough that the person is kind to us.  We're giving each other something very valuable in our shared affections, so it follows that we're going to treat each other well.  What's important is to find someone who is kind to busboys, janitors, and cashiers, as well as the plain or boring or downright bothersome people who are usually overlooked at Church gatherings. 

Our lives will be remarkably improved by finding a brother or sister in Christ who is able truly to give from the wellsprings of a charitable heart.  Few things will make our lives more miserable than bonding with a person who lacks charity.

These two virtues of charity and purity are a bazillion times more important than any set of psychological traits on some dating service checklist could ever be.  And these two virtues are most likely to be well-developed in someone who has forged strong brother and sister relationships with other Christians.

Applying these criteria will do a pretty darn good job of keeping frogs out of the vicinity of our lips.  Being friends with frogs, and praying for them, and evangelizing them, is one thing, but dating them, and kissing them in the hopes that they'll become princes, that's another story, that's some other fairy tale. 

In this story, we've applied our frog detector determinedly, and because we're hanging out around real, passionate and faithful Christians, we've found someone to date.  It's time to trust the Lord, take a deep breath, and dive boldly into the deep waters of dating and courtship.