MEN'S AND WOMEN'S ROLES IN DATING

Now that we've arrived at actual dating, the first question to come up is . . . . do men have to take the first step, or can women ask men out?  The answer to this question is not found by laying down rules, but by recognizing a simple principle.

Dating (as we're using the term) is simply the beginning phase of courtship.  Courtship is about a man courting a woman, because he recognizes how wonderful she is, and he is willing to try to earn her hand in marriage. 

The best evidence for this is simply to picture it in actual practice.  Picture a man asking a woman out, treating her with dignity, holding doors for her, respecting and honoring her and always letting her know exactly where she stands with him in every stage of their relationship.  He lets her know how much he cares about her without ever putting pressure on her.  He lets her know when he wants to see the relationship go to the stage of formal, committed courtship, and he's completely honest with her, letting her know the bad and the ugly as well as the good things about himself.  He begins working longer hours to save up for a ring and a house and insurance that will care for the six babies she's said she wants to have.  He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him and take his name.  And then, because he's the luckiest fellow in the whole world, he winds up standing at an altar as the doors open in the back of the Church and there she is, silhouetted against the sun.  The organ plays and the choir sings as she comes into the church and every one rises teary-eyed, some weeping outright at the wonder and beauty of her.  He courted her and he won her heart, and she is coming down the aisle to give herself to him. 

Every one of us has that story written in our hearts.  It's been there right from the very beginning of time, placed there by our creator.

But here's another version, which is NOT placed in our hearts by God.

Picture her asking him out, holding doors for him, getting down on her knee and giving him a ring; picture her waiting at the altar as the choir sings "here comes the groom" and he comes down the aisle as everyone bawls at how handsome he is.  We can't picture that, can we?  It is impossible, just as impossible as it is for him to bear their children.

His job is to recognize that she deserves to be courted.  Her job is recognizing that she deserves to be courted.  We're not laying down a rule here.  We're just pointing out that if the roles get switched in the beginning, then it'll be tricky to switch them back later.  That is risky business; and it leads to too many instances of women not being treated with due regard.

In the twelfth principle we'll talk more about why a woman deserves a man who will value her enough to court her, but, for now, let's just say this.  Women, if you settle for less, you'll get less.  Desire more, and let the God of Desire provide it, even if he makes you wait a while.

Now we've established that guys should be guys and gals should be gals, and we've come to the point that some gal has set some fella's heart all aquiver.  So let's get on to the point, and do something about it; let's ask her out for that first date.

For all of the swirling squishiness, the gushy messiness, the nerves and excitement and terror and glee, the one thing that stands above it all as our shining beacon of sanity is this:

TELL THE TRUTH.  Guys and gals both--we may be different, but our solution here is the same.  Tell the truth, and we'll make it through.

Guys, we have to come out and say what we mean, make our intentions clear, and skip the games.  We shouldn't pretend we're just interested in working together on a youth group project if what we're really doing is imagining how her first name sounds when combined with our last.

It's perfectly fine to get know each other in casual settings, and in group activities, if those opportunities are available.  We should do that.  But when the time comes to get to know each other better than that--guys, we have to do our job, step up to the plate and make our intentions known.

Here is what must be somehow communicated.  Let her know that you are attracted to her.  Complimenting her is one good way to do that.  Let her know that you would like to spend some time with her to get to know her better.  Do your best to let her know that you will go slowly, and not expect too much all at once. 

Guys, that's about it.  The essence, which requires nuancing, which keeps us on our toes and keeps our hearts palpating, is to be very considerate, and show how much we do care, while not making it too big a deal or asking her to commit to a real big shindig right off.

Now, gals, here's what you need to know.  We guys can get pretty twisted up in a knot about all of this.  The last time I asked a gal on a date, before the one I mentioned from earlier from this morning, I got so nervous I forgot her name.  There was lots of stammering and sweating involved, I assure you.

There are lots of reasons this is so hard for guys.  The fear of rejection is a big part of it, but that fear is multiplied many times over by our fear that we won't be told the truth along the way.  Many women have a habit of saying "maybe," or something like it, or even "yes," when what they really mean is "no."  Ladies, you need to know what kind of a mess that can cause a guy. 

A fellow who is smitten by a lady who told him yes, or even maybe, will likely go straight out and buy a new car to drive her around in.  I'm not joking a bit; that's how guys are.  What do you think we're thinking about when we're on a car lot somewhere picking out a new ride?  We're thinking about you in the shotgun seat, that's what we're thinking about.

At least he'll have his car detailed.  And maybe he'll get a new stereo for it, and certainly he'll buy some cd's he thinks she'll like.  He'll get a haircut, trim his nose and ear hairs, even try some new deodorant.  Ladies, I realize that some of this, especially expunging the ear and nose hairs and slathering on the deodorant may seem pretty worthwhile, as if it might even merit the subterfuge of a potential date, but remember, the means don't justify the ends.

Ladies, please, have some pity on us, realize what a mess we are, and tell us the truth.  Just let your yes be yes, and your no be no.  We'll be eternally grateful, I promise you.  A guy would much rather be told no right off, than told yes, and then maybe and then yes and then maybe and then just have you start avoiding him for the next year or two. 

Now, ladies, what about the ways for you to show your interest in him, to let him know that it's okay with you for him to ask you out?  That's pretty simple.  Do it with your time and attention, and proximity.  None of this is in the slightest way manipulative.  It's just being attracted, and acting like it.  Pay attention to him.  Look him in the eyes when talking to him.  Use his name.  Oh, when a fellow is sweet on a gal how he loves to hear the sound of her voice saying his name.  You can complement him and let him know what it is about him that you are interested in.  It's even okay, in a pinch, to take a wee bit of initiative and invite him to participate in some sort of group activity. 

But that's all.  If he doesn't get it, drop it.  Hold out for a fellow who will get it, and will court you.  You're worth it.  Trust God, and let him handle the timing, and let him have his say in the choosing.  Don't be stubborn and insist that it has to be this fellow.  If he won't court you, you don't want him.