EXPOSE OUR SECRETS, THEN TAKE A BREAK

SELF-REVELATION

It is absolutely imperative that we be willing to let someone we're courting know the truth about who we really are, blemishes and all.  It's also important to make a good decision about when to do this self-revelation. 

Some people dump all their baggage way too soon.  They rationalize it in different ways, but the upshot is that they are trying to take a hostage.  The implicit message in premature baggage (or garbage) dumping is this, "I shared my innermost secrets with you, so now you have an obligation to me."

This is no way to get love.  We need to wait ?till we've fully explored the non-exclusive dating phase.  Dumping our stuff on someone really is a form of seeking intimacy with them, and it isn't necessary to do that before the time comes for the commitment of formal courtship.

After two people have really come to know one another as thoroughly as they reasonably could without a commitment to exclusivity and formal courtship, it's up to the guy to let the gal know where she stands with him.  He should determine to move forward, or let her know that it's time to go back to being friends, to being just brothers and sisters in Christ who are not engaged in dating activities.  The dating period should not go on and on and on for its own sake, just for the sake of companionship or fear of change.  It shouldn't take all that long, maybe a few months, to discover what needs to be discovered in this stage.  If the guy doesn't get around to doing his part, and leading the relationship, it does make sense for the gal to let him know that she's not going to dilly-dally forever.

For now, let's assume that our couple is mutually smitten, and ready to take things to the next level.  Now, before they move on to formal courtship, which is a serious commitment in its own right, is the time for self-disclosure.  Now is when justice and honor necessitate that each person tells the other why he or she might choose not to make such a commitment.

After the guy comes clean, and puts his secrets and his personal shortcomings on the table, it's up to her to respond.  If and when she determines that she still wants the relationship to proceed, then she reciprocates with her own self-revelation.

It is not necessary to be immodest, or explicit, but it is necessary to be entirely honest.  Nothing should remain secret.  It should be impossible that something serious from the past would come up later that would not have already been clearly revealed at this time.

Love is a free choice to give based upon the truth.  Without the truth as a foundation, the choice will not have been free, and the love will be merely an illusion.  We must not be afraid to reveal the truth.  It is a noble and charitable thing to do, and it is a beautiful gift when handled in this way. 

Still, it is understandable that we could be worried about baring our souls and then being rejected for it.  That could happen.  But as for me, I can think of no sin a woman could have in her past, whether her own sin or one perpetrated upon her, which would cause me to decide not to court her.  What is important is the effect that past sin has upon her spirit today.  If she has repented, confessed, or forgiven the perpetrator(s), as the case may be, and accepted the Lord's healing and restoration, and been honest with me, then all I can do is to praise the Lord for the mercy and healing he has bestowed upon her, even as I thank him for the mercy and healing he is giving me.

My own experience is that when women have shared with me the bad things from their pasts it has only caused me to feel greater tenderness and greater admiration for what they've overcome.  I think the vast majority of people feel the same way.  A relationship is much more likely to be done in by false or missing revelations than by the simple truth.

Nonetheless, this self-revelation is a big step, and this is a good place to throw in a couple of caution signs.  If the principles outlined above have not been followed, if the frog detector has not been utilized, or if its indications have been ignored, if we've raced too fast through the phase of getting to know each other, or rushed into various sorts of premature emotional and/or physical intimacy, then this is one time when the consequences of our foolhardiness are likely to come surging to the surface.

Of course we can't yet know for certain whether we're being called to marry this person, but we can know whether we're being called together toward marriage.

Principle Eleven outlines the process of discerning whether two people who have been courting are actually called to commit to marriage.  But now, before advancing to courtship, and even before deciding to share our secrets, we should have already begun to practice this discernment.  We won't be able to reach the sure conclusion called for before getting engaged, but we can know enough to know whether to proceed to self-revelation.  We'll want to read and to consider all of the themes outlined in Principle Eleven and apply them to some extent at this stage as well.

Here is a synopsis of Principle Eleven in the form of two questions we'll need to ask ourselves at this stage.  Is this relationship drawing me closer to God and to my brothers and sisters in Christ, so that I am becoming more faithful, more prayerful, and a more dynamic participant in my Church?

Am I receiving wise and trustworthy counsel from others who agree that this relationship is good for me and brings glory to God?

If, and only if, the answer to both questions is affirmative, and both folks are ready and willing and shimmering with incipient love, then it's time to dump the junk and get on with it. 

TIME APART

Now, after mutual self-revelation, comes time apart for discernment.  During this time, what are we to make of the information we just received about our special friend?  What should we make of this or that particular disclosure?  What sorts of things should we consider to be deal killers?  Other programs on dating and courtship would again refer us here to a checklist of qualities to look for in a mate.  Those checklists have more or less value to the degree that they focus on virtue rather than mere secular psychology.  The essential thing is remain focused upon the Lord, and the virtues which draw us, and our potential mate, closer to him.  The two things to be most aware of are honesty and addiction.  They are connected in that they are mutually antithetical.  Honesty is essential, while addiction to a habit of serious sin is a deal-killer. 

How can we tell if the disclosure was honest?  The surest way is to see if it comes couched in the context of other virtues.  If our supposed sweetie-to-be is exhibiting powerful virtues of charity and purity over an extended period of time, that is a strong indicator of underlying honesty.  The ultimate criterion is peace.  True peace can only come from God.  A spirit of tranquility which is not shaken by disappointments and adversity but continues to radiate grace and peace is a sign of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit will not live in the midst of lies.

Now, let's talk a moment about addiction to habits of serious sin.  The first thing we should know is that such addictions are necessarily bound up with dishonesty.  There is a paragraph about addiction which is read aloud at most Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.  It explains who can and who cannot break addiction to alcohol.  The theme of honesty recurs repeatedly throughout this paragraph.  It states quite directly that the ones who cannot recover are those who cannot or will not be honest.  A relationship with someone who is addicted is a relationship fraught with lies.  True self-revelation simply will not be possible with an active addict.

There are habits of sin which clearly foster the sort of bondage which prevents one from being able to make a valid gift of oneself to another.  Those habits include substance abuse, eating disorders, pornography and fornication.  There is nothing charitable or Christian about pretending that someone suffering from, or only very recently recovering from, these addictions is able to give real love.  That is simply not honest.  It takes time to recover sufficiently to achieve substantial freedom from these addictions.  How long does it take?  Most people who work in the recovery field would suggest that a year is a good benchmark.  That would imply that a year of abstinence is needed before beginning to date.  After all, dating is simply early courtship, and why court someone who cannot love the way that spouses should?

What about habits of sin other than those named above?  Perhaps the standard to apply is simply to determine how seriously that sin has damaged a person's relationship with God, and impeded the virtues of purity, charity, and honesty from developing in a healthy way.

This determination is not one which can be made from a checklist or personality profile.  What is required is peace in our hearts, and true communion with our creator.  That is why this time apart for discernment should focus much more on prayer and spending quiet time alone with God than with figuring things out.  The Lord has promised that if we seek him, we will find him.  In Matthew 7:7 he repeats this promise, with slight re-phrasings, six times in a row.  We can count on this promise.  If we are truly seeking him with this time off for discernment, then the desires of our hearts will tell us the truth about whether or not the relationship should go to the next step. 

(For more information, see the essay on escaping the bondage of habitual at www.godofdesire.com.)

And how long should this off for discernment be?  There is no set rule.  Some people prefer a week; some prefer two weeks or a month.  Many people prefer the traditional period of nine days for a novena of prayer.

This time apart accomplishes something extraordinary.  It creates a break from the sometimes seemingly inescapable tangles of beginning romance.  It restores a sense of choosing to the relationship.  Many relationships continue only because there is no decent opportunity to break up without it seeming too mean.  One of the people feels trapped, and is too nice, or too timid, to break up.  Or both of them are just caught up in emotion.  These relationships are infused with the anxiety that comes from being out of control.

The time apart for discernment creates a break from the momentum of sheer emotion.  This empowers both people to make a decision based upon choice, upon the will, upon true freedom.  This gives them the capacity truly to choose one another, to give themselves freely to this highly charged and all important adventure into formal courtship.  They now have something to give each other which is of great value, having been purchased at a great price. 

Now they can say, "We've taken the time to truly get to know one another.  We have relished discovering one after another of the wonders of one another even as we've allowed the God of desire to help us keep our wildly passionate desires for each other from getting us into trouble.  We've bared the secrets of our souls.  We've taken time to pray and seek wise counsel.  And now we're falling in love, and that's a good thing.  That's a God thing.  Amen."