HOW DESIRE REVEALS WHETHER WE SHOULD MARRY

 

As courtship progresses, we'll start to wonder more seriously about whether this is the one we're called to marry.  Lots of people offer lots of advice as to what criteria we should use.  Lots of checklists and profiles are available.  Use them if you want to.  Some people find them helpful.  But many of those profiles do more harm than good, because they tend to lead us away from what is most important--and they lead us away from recognizing the real role of desire.

 

What's most important is finding out what God has in mind for our love life.  It is self-evident, as we saw in our earlier excerpts from the Song of Songs, and as we all know from our own experience, that God has given us the capacity to long very deeply for a very particular person.

 

It is also possible for us to push God out of the equation, and to pursue instead our own desires.  The possibility of this desire which is not integrated with the desire of God is in no way a condemnation of truly integrated desire.

 

And so, this is the great caveat:   When we are seeking first the Kingdom of Heaven, when we are truly drawing near to God, then, and only then, we can trust what is revealed in our longing for another.  Only when we long first for the creator can we discover what we truly need to know from our longing for a creature.  So, first, we need to find out whether this relationship is drawing us closer to God, and making us desire Him more.

 

One good test of this is to see whether we are drawing closer to our church family.  If our courtship is Godly, it should result in stronger friendships with our brothers and sisters in Christ.  We should be drawn more deeply into ministry and service and true communion with the Body of Christ. 

 

If our courtship is Godly, it should be good for our families as well.  They may or may not like it, depending upon their own openness to the Lord's will, but it should be good for them.  If the people closest to us are better off, that is a very good sign that we're doing the Lord's will.

 

Approval is a different thing than being better off.  When it comes to approval, we should seek the input of wise counselors and our most trustworthy friends.  They must be involved all along the way.  Their approval must factor in as well.

 

A relationship which draws us away from our Church community, causes harm to our loved ones, or is discouraged by our most trustworthy guides, is a relationship which is probably not Godly, but selfish.

 

But, if all indicators are that the relationship is in fact Godly, that our desire for the things of God is indeed increasing, then we can gain great insight from our desire for the person we are courting.

 

The Lord Himself is the creator of our romantic and passionate desires.  He wants to fulfill them, not to eradicate them.  What is needed is simply that our desire be Godly, that it be ordered to and integrated with the things that are of God.

 

How do we recognize Godly desire?  By these three things--that we are drawn to the person's mind, body, and spirit.

 

I am drawn to her mind.  I am enamored of the way she thinks about things and expresses her thoughts.  Her way of understanding the world around her energizes and excites me.  I want to know more about what she thinks.  This is an essential and irreplaceable aspect of attraction.

 

Next, I long to be with her because I am drawn to her physical beauty.  It doesn't mean simply that she has a particular body shape or facial structure.  It means that I smile when I see her walking toward me.  I want her close to me.  I want to look at her.  I want to touch and hold her.  This is another essential and irreplaceable type of attraction.

 

Lastly, but certainly not leastly, I am drawn to her spirit.  When I think about her, and when I am with her, I sense the presence of God.  I am actually conscious of God in her, moving in her, loving her and desiring her for himself.  As I come closer to her heart, I sense the power of God drawing me closer to his heart.  This too, is an essential and irreplaceable type of attraction.

 

Certainly there are many particular issues that people consider when deciding whom to marry.  We do not dismiss them, as we do not dismiss the many rules people use in order to maintain chastity.  But, like the chastity rules, the issues checklists are simply never sufficient.  There are too many variables.  We can't know really how much weight to place on which issue.

 

Everything gets too gray.  He has debt.  That is bad, without a doubt.  She is spoiled in certain areas, and expects to be provided with luxuries.  That's a problem.  He messed around with a bunch of women, and she is a rigorist, perhaps a prude, when it comes to modesty--both of these are bad, but we cannot quantify how bad.  Each of them is truly experiencing conversion.  That's good.  But who can quantify conversion?

 

These and all of the myriad issues which people can and do and to some extent must  consider, do indeed fall into the three types of attraction and desire discussed above.

 

Ultimately, the only one sophisticated enough to disentangle all of these issues, and put the proper amount of emphasis on each, is God.  And he doesn't reveal these things on spreadsheets.

 

He does it with our hearts--but only when our hearts are pure.  We don't have to be perfectly purified for him to lead us.  But we do have to be truly seeking after him. 

 

The evidence of scripture, and the testimony of history, and writings of the wise ones of the ages, all confirm that when we desire God, our heart's desires will all lead us closer to him.

 

When we truly desire God, then we will be drawn mind, body, and spirit, only to someone who will bring us nearer to God.

 

So, this is our checklist.  Desire--in mind, body, and spirit, first for the living God, and then for our mate.

 

Now is a good time to examine a bit more deeply what we mean by desire.  There is desire which is selfish and destructive, desire which is dis-integrated and takes us away from the real good which God's desire for us.  The desire which is given to us by the God of Desire, and which brings us closer to him, has one very telling characteristic.  It is a desire to give to another, and it is also a willingness to receive the free and honest gift of the other.

 

So, to restate the checklist in this light, we should desire to give of ourselves in mind, body, and spirit to this potential spouse.  And we should desire to receive the gift of this person in mind, body, and spirit.  All of this ought to be in place for both parties before consenting to marry.  And it takes a long time to learn enough about a person to be able to discern whether we are truly drawn to them at all of these various levels and in a very fundamental, consistent way.

 

And that brings us to a major issue.

 

ENGAGEMENT

Don't get engaged before you've spent enough time discerning according to these principles to be sure.

 

Too many people today use engagement as a time for discerning marriage.  Most people do that because the only courses and counseling they know of for discerning marriage are offered explicitly to engaged couples. 

 

That's not what engagement is for.  An engagement is a promise to get married.  Engagement is a time of preparing to marry.  Discerning marriage should happen before engagement.  Too many people go through too much pain because they get engaged first, and then discern marriage afterwards.

 

There is no good and valid reason to get engaged before we know for sure. All of the reasons for doing so are actually selfish.  Don't be selfish, and don't risk causing or receiving so much pain.

 

Take your time with the mind, body, spirit checklist.  It takes time to really get to know the person on all three of those levels, and then find out if you are really drawn together, to give and to receive in all three areas.  Take the time.  And get wise counsel.

 

Then take more time off for discernment.  Ideally, this should be done on a regularly agreed to basis.  Agree in advance to do this and no one will freak out about whether it means they're being dumped by the one who suggested it.

 

Take regular time apart, maybe once every three months, for instance, for discernment and prayer, then go back to courtship. 

 

Courtship is a glorious gift from God and a profound opportunity to draw nearer to paradise if you don't spoil it with illegitimate sex.  If you do spoil it, then repent, confess, seek counsel, take time apart, pray more, and you may be able to put the pieces back together.  It isn't easy, but it can be done.  If you spoil it with sex, and then skip the above mentioned reparative steps, get ready for trauma; get ready to really hurt the one you love.

 

Whatever you do, don't use sin, or carelessness, or anything else, as an excuse to make a promise to someone that you aren't sure you can keep.  That is cruel and there is no reason for it.  Don't do it.  You can do better than that, you really can.

 

I realize that some engagements must be broken.  Break it if you must.  But, for God's sake, from now on, please take the time to find out if you should get married before promising to do so.

 

Courtship is a rare and precious gift from God.  Don't disdain it, and don't rush through it.  Get it right, and you'll be glad you did.

 

SUMMING UP DATING AND COURTSHIP

Before we move on to our final topic, let's just recapitulate what we've learned about dating and courtship, so that we don't lose sight of their ultimate aim.

 

In leading us to desire one another, the God of desire is drawing us toward Him.  We need to be mature enough to realize that this creature, this person of whom we are so enamored, has a creator.  He or she is so wonderful because God is so wonderful.  Our love should not flow out from our hearts to another person and stop there.  That is stunted, incomplete, and irrational love.  Our love should flow on past the creature, and to the creator.  We should give glory to God for having made us capable of loving, and for having made the object of our affections so loveable.

 

If we realize this goal, and direct our love primarily and ultimately not to the creature, but to the creator, then we can be GUARANTEED that our love will be reciprocated.  God cannot help but to love us in return, for it His nature to multiply our love beyond our hopes, and pour out that love into our hearts.  We will never be disappointed in love if we realize its true purpose, and direct it to its true end.

 

John's Gospel tells us that the Lord's desire is for us, that he longs to have us with him.  And the Psalmist tells us that when we delight in the things of the Lord, he will grant the desires of our hearts.

 

Let us not be afraid that our hearts experience passionate desire, desire raised to the level of the holy by sacred Scripture in the song of the lovers, the Song of Songs.  Desire is of the very essence of love.  Let us delight in the things of the Lord.  Let us allow him to grant the desires of our hearts.  And let us not be afraid to love.